Merry Christmas All

Merry Christmas. I hope everyone has an excellent day however they spend it.

JR

Not Dead Yet!

Congratulations all, we have seeimingly survived the apocalypse. According to the best predictions available (does anyone actually have the job title 'Mayan Apocalypse predictor', the end of the world should have been at 11.11 today. The only question now is; what am I going to do with the supplies of tinned baked beans I bought in specially?? Perhaps they can go in the post-Christmas leftover curry!

Hope everyone out there is well.

More posts to follow soon.

JR

Designer Labels

I have recently been the beneficiary of quite an extraordinary stroke of good fortune. Someone I know happened to come by an extensive amount of designer kit, none of which fitted him, all of which fitted me.

As a result of this I have fallen heir to a suede jacket, leather jacket, cashmere overcoat and a beautiful two piece suit. All of these were made by the same designer. All fitted like they had been tailored and cumulatively, worth about three thousand quid (to the extent that I'm thinking about declaring them on the insurance policy).

Ironically, I've never been a massive fan of designer labels. Yes I wear an Omega watch and write with a Cross or Mont Blanc pen but in all those cases I am confident that the money was spent buying the best available rather than the label. Similarly Oakley or Ray Ban sunglasses can be afforded similar praise. They go beyond labels to be market leaders.

Therefore my initial excitement about the news was due to the fact that I desperately needed a new overcoat and navy blue suit rather than the fact that they were designer. That fact was largely by the way (or obeter dictum) in my mind. It still is to be honest. That said, bloody hell the designer knows his job. The suit jacket was cut beautifully. The sleeves were a bit on the short side which is how I like wearing them since I habitually wear double cuffs and cuff links. The trousers were the only pair I have tried on in years that fitted me perfectly. In addition to this, the over coat hit the mark perfectly.

All in all, I scored seriously lucky. Although I'm still reticent about designer labels for the sake of them, I'm willing to admit these ones are wonderful. That said, if I'm paying the money they're asking, I'm going to a tailor and getting stuff made bespoke.

For now though, I'm very happy to be a clothes horse. A model even!

JR

Mr Favourite Books

I was asked the other day for some book recommendations to pass on for use as Christmas presents. Naturally this made me think of books I have read and enjoyed over the years. Now being the type of person that I am, I rather like lists so I thought I would compile a list of my 10 favourite books. Although this list will appear as a numbered list, it does not particularly reflect the ranking of the book within the list. As the title of the blog suggests, it's more of a stream of consciousness and the titles are noted down as they occur to me. So without further ado:

1. Casino Royale - Ian Fleming. Bond has been a life long passion for me. I love just about everything about it and this book was the starting point. Ian Fleming sat down to write the best spy story ever written and this is the result. Whether it is the best Bond book or not is a subject for discussion another day but as the start of something wonderful it deserves a place.

2. Looking for Trouble - General Sir Peter De La Billiere. I am a huge fan of the military autobiography genre and there are many books that have a good case to be on this list. I picked this particular for a couple of reasons. Firstly, because it is so incredible. The truth really does beat fiction in some cases and this is one. If some of the feats achieved in this book were shown in the cinema, audiences would scoff at how utterly impossible they were. Secondly, the narrative throughout the book is fantastic. Not only is the author an excellent storyteller, recounting events from his own life, he expertly puts them in a wider social and military context.

3. Hound of the Baskervilles - Sir Arthur Conan-Doyle. Again I love the genre of crime fiction and I had to be quite strict with my self to stop myself picking more than one "whodunit". Sherlock Holmes was picked because, in my opinion, he was one of the best and no doubt has subtle influences on contemporary crime fiction. Most lifeguards will secretly (or drunkenly) admit that Baywatch played a part in them becoming a lifeguard and likewise I'll bet most crime novelists will give Conan-Doyle some of the credit.

4. Chart Throb - Ben Elton. I think this is a fantastic comic novel (but from the man who wrote Blackadder do you expect much less?) For those of you who haven't read it, it's an amusing satire on Britain's got Talent/X-factor style programmes. Elton has written a lot of satirical novels in the past where current affairs of the day are only thinly disguised by the characters however I think this one is one of the best.

5. Schott's Whisky Miscellany. As you may have guessed I love lists, trivia and wondering off on interesting little tangents. This book provides all three in buckets and combines them with a vast amount of fascinating information about whisky... something about which I'm passionate. There is the perfect balance between basic knowledge, detailed technical stuff, funny asides and misty heather-strewn hillsides.

6. Whisky Kitchen. Continuing the whisky theme, this book is my favourite cook book. Even if the recipes didn't contain whisky, the food suggested is incredible, easy to prepare but still challenging if even one feels like pushing one's boundaries. Having learned a lot of basic techniques from this book I have gained confidence to start experimenting.

7. Vander's Human Physiology. My degree was in Human Biology and I still remain fascinated by the subject. This is one of the text books that I used throughout my degree and for that alone I view it with a great deal of fondness. But even stripping away the nostalgia I think it's a great book. It's clear, well laid out and explains most complex concepts now.

8. The Witches - Roald Dahl. When I was younger I absolutely adored pretty much anything which emerged from Dahl's pen. The Witches was one of my favourites (although trying to pick an out and out favourite from his work is like trying to pick the most adorable puppy in a litter). This one was chosen also because it was a personal milestone for me. When I was younger I had this as a talking book. My young self was terrified by the spooky theme music until one day I decided to face my fears and listen to the rest of the tape. Naturally I found out that the rest of the story was rather good and for a long time afterwards I felt rather proud of myself for daring to listen.

9. Five go to Billycock Hill - Enid Blyton. Enid Blyton was another favourite childhood author and contributed greatly to my love of books. She is probably also directly responsible for my love of crime fiction. This particular tome was chosen for no other reason that I can remember the title and vaguely remember the plot.

10. My 10th book I really struggled with; not because of my lack of inspiration but because there are so many I would love to put in this post. I will settly for Billy by Pamela Stephenson. A book about a comedian was always going to be funny but this is a book about a comedian by his wife who is also a comedian. As you can imagine, it's hilarious; even the bits that aren't meant to be. An example of this was when I was on the bus reading about the child abuse he suffered when he was younger... with tears of laughter running down my face. There are times when his wife puts on her psychiatrist's hat too giving one a fascinating insight into Billy's consciousness.

Anyway, hope you enjoyed my ramble through what I would consider as some great books. If you have read/are thinking of reading any of them, let me know what you think of them.

JR

Electronic Cigarettes

I read in the paper today that, for the first time in years, cigarettes will now be advertised on American television. Rather than the traditional paper and tobacco products, the cigarettes in question are the new electronic cigarettes or - more accurately - an electronic cylindrical device designed to deliver a dose of nicotine to the user when it is sucked.

Predictably the anti-smoking lobby are up in arms about this complaining that it's setting their cause back by years.

But is it? All the research I have seen suggests that these electronic cigarettes are relatively safe (albeit I have only seen it in the popular press so haven't been able to really puzzle through the source data with my scientist hat on). The main arguments that are being used against them is that a) they still deliver nicotine (which is true BUT nicotine can actually be quite beneficial in a multitude of biological processes and occurs in the body in a similar form) and b) that it encourages people to smoke... which it does but it encourages people away from traditional tobacco products and towards these new ones.

To be honest, I wish they would just bugger off. I am not a smoker nor do I find smoking particularly pleasant. I don't like the smell (especially if I've got a headache or am feeling sick), I hate the litter generated and the queues generated at supermarket kiosks when I'm trying to get out quickly are unbearable. That said, what I hate even more is an interfering nanny state trying to run my life for me. It is for this reason that I am also against the smoking ban in pubs and clubs.

Yes smoking is bad for people. Yes it causes disease. But, if people still want to smoke while well aware of the dangers then please, please piss off and let them. Politicians take note; you obviously think the electorate are clever enough to elect you. Well then, they are clever enough to make their own choices when it comes to their own smoking (and drinking) behaviour. We don't need you passing laws telling us what to do with every aspect of our lives. Where will it end? Will there come a day where we have to get a permit just to have a shag lest we pick up an STI or unplanned pregnancy. Or will we have to fill out a form in triplicate just to have a pint. Please guys, concentrate on fixing the economy and restoring law and order to our streets and let us have a few pleasures, however unwholesome, in our lives.

I know the anti-smoking lobby isn't directly related to government but it's symptomatic of the general nanny-state culture where anything regarded as not entirely desireable is pilloried out of existance.

These are our lives (and we only have one). Let us live them - or ban some genuinely objectionable things too. If you're looking for ideas then may I suggest; driving in the middle lane at 60mpg, vegetarianism and being so engrossed in your smartphone that you don't look before crossing the road.

That is all.

JR

A Depressing Irony

As you may or may not have heard, the militant wing of the Braveheart fan club (or the Scottish National Party as they would prefer to be known) is campaigning hard for independence. As well as covering their faces in wode (that interesting blue colour) and shouting, "Freeeeeeeeeedooooommmmmm!" terribly loudly they have secured a referendum on independence. Now they are quibbling over which confusing form of words the ballot paper will assume in order to obtain the results they want.

While they are debating the critical question, the members of the party are busy strutting around as if the whole thing is a done deal. This is all rather sad and best ignored in favour of the magnificent glens, the mighty hills, the sublime whisky and, if you're feeling kitch, shortbread from a tartan tin shaped like a Scottie dog.

However one issue that was raised today and really makes my blood boil is the issue of Europe. According to the SNP, an independent Scotland would carry on in Europe as if nothing has happened. According to Europe, an independent Scotland will have to re-apply for admission and potentially face some fairly stiff competition from the likes of Spain who don't want a precedent set. The question that is making me down right angry is why the HELL is the SNP bending over backwards, forwards and every which bloody way to gain sovereignty from the rest of Britain only to surrender it again to bloody Europe of all cases. Leaving aside the fiddly bits of academic constitutional theory for another day it's just so mindlessly bloody stupid.

This is the one potential advantage to independence and the SNP are planning on frittering it away like Britain's rebate was frittered away in the mid-90's and for what? So the already overburdened taxpayer can fork out more of their hard-earned cash to an organisation that only makes their daily lives harder. Really fucking clever there.

Rant over.

JR

A Beginner's Guide to Acting English.

Evening all. Sorry for the lack of posting lately. I've just started a new job and I've been fully concentrating on trying to make a good impression there.

Anyway, despite the heading, tonight's post won't follow the same format as a previous post about being Scottish. I'm not English after all so I'm not exactly best placed to comment on acting it! Instead I'm going to write about Shappi Khorsandi's autobiography which shares the title.

For those of you that don't know, Shappi Khorsandi is an Iranian-born comedian who is currently very big on the stand up circuit and is one of my personal favourites. She is seemingly effortlessly funny combining the mundane with the ridiculous and a good chunk of the serious in her routines.

Beneath the seemingly normal middle-class lady with an extraordinary ability to make people laugh is a more profound story and, refreshingly, it is this that the book concentrates on rather than her rise to fame.

Khorsandi moved to England as a small child with her family in the 80's (before it became fashionable as she puts it). Her father is an Iranian satirist who fell foul of the new regime. Quickly his position in Iran became untenable and he moved to England with his wife and children.

The book starts by describing Shappi's early life in Iran and then goes on to describe the move to London. A major theme is her desperation to fit in with her peers and she regularly describes her frustration at her mother's inability (and unwillingness) to comprehend the subtleties of certain aspects of British life. Lot's of this centres around the issue of food and it's power to unite or divide. Fish fingers and cheese sandwiches were two particular examples that stuck in my mind. Khorsandi also describes in some detail the reactions of others to her. Pleasingly the stories of racism are balanced by tales of kindness and generosity ranging from supportive and encouraging teachers to downstairs neighbours that indoctrinate her and her brother into British biscuits. The overall impression I took from it was that she and her family experienced general kindness and good-humour on their arrival which is refreshing to hear.

Another theme that runs throughout the book is the continuing trouble her father suffered at the hands of the Iranian authorities. Despite the fact that they were in exile in England, the regime sent assassins after Khorsandi snr necessitating a period spent in hiding (that did not go quite to plan). Before this sounds too sensationalist, Shappi recounts stories of other enemies of the Iranian regime who came to violent ends.

The book is written from the perspective of a child (albeit a very articulate one) which adds a layer of charm to the writing. It also reflects the priorities of a child which leads to moments of genuine hilarity despite the fact that the book isn't written for laughs. It also creates very moving moments: particularly when she reproduces letters she penned to the Shah of Iran begging him not to kill her father because she loved him so much and assuring him that, should the two ever meet, they would get on. It reflects how terrifying the situation must have been for a small child who was barely able to understand what was going on but grasped the gravity of the situation anyway.

I really enjoyed reading this and would recommend it even if you are not a fan of Khorsandi's comedy. As I say, the book isn't written for laughs and only has occasional mention of her later career. Instead it serves as a fascinating account of London in the '80s from an outsider's perspective and from a child's perspective. It also offers a succinct and clear account of the political upheaval occurring in Iran at the time; not something of which I was previously aware but something I have gone on to find out about through interested generated by the book.

Well worth a read.

JR

It's OFFICIAL! Kate Middleton has announced she is pregnant.

It's official. The Duchess of Cambridge is pregnant. The announcements have got as far as the national press (and why wouldn't we disbelieve anything they print). Refreshingly in this post-Levison era, the news came from the couple themselves rather than a journalist rummaging through the bins at Kensington Palace and finding a pregnancy test/burst condom.

The announcement reads that the Duchess is expecting a baby which I suppose is a bit of a relief. If she was expecting a puppy then some serious questions would have to be asked!

Joking aside, congratulations to both of them. I hope it goes well and they have a healthy, happy child at the end of it.

JR

Comebacks

You know sometimes somebody says something (usually in some way offensive) and at the time, you're lost for words then some time later you think of the perfect response? Usually this happens minutes to hours later and you debate the merits of phoning them to share your return observation.

Well something something similar happened to me the other day except it was YEARS after the event.

When I was a nipper I remember my mum talking to one of her friends. A bit of an Uber mum... you know the kind; her kids are perfect and whatever your kids do, hers can do better, have done already or would never dream of doing depending on the situation (they have turned out to be muppets if you're interested). On this occasion, for some reason, my mum was talking about a dish she had made up and how much I liked it (I wasn't the fussiest of eaters but I wasn't a human food hoover either). This prompted my mother's friends smugly to pipe up, "Well my kids eat what's put in front of them!"

Naturally even then my first thought ran to - wanker!

What I should have said, and I only thought of recently, was, "Well lucky for you that your kids have palettes made of cow's arse leather!"

As comebacks go, it's not the best ever. It's not even the best one I've ever come up with. Still it has it's merits. It is doubly offensive in that it implies a) that her kids are a bit dim and b) that she's a rubbish cook.

Anyway, like I say, this occurred to me the other day and I couldn't resist sharing it.

Have a good Saturday.

JR

Kate Middleton is PREGNANT!!

It's official. The wife of the third in line to the throne is expecting a baby. We are to have a new member of the Royal Family. Break out the bunting!

How do I know this? My source is the morning drive time show on Heart radio. According to the presenter this morning, her dog predicted a royal baby by the end of the year. This was confirmed by a member of the public who said Prince William smiled when presented with a babygro by a member of the public emblazoned with the slogan, "Daddy's copilot".

Who needs clearblue or any other pregnancy test with this cast-iron evidence.

People of Britain take this as a call to arms (well knitting needles). Start knitting bootees and baby jumpers now.

JR

ps, for legal reasons I should probably put that I am being ironic. As far as I'm aware the Duchess of Cambridge is not pregnant. This is purely a comment on the idle speculation which I found so amusing on my way into work. If, however, she is pregnant; may I be the first to offer my congratulations to the couple and wish them a healthy, happy baby.

Wet Feet

Well that was lucky. Over the last few days/weeks the area where I live has been battered by copious amounts of rain. Global warming has ensured that not only is it freezing (by English rather than Scottish standards) but also, large portions of the country are under water.

The countryside around the city I live in has been quite badly affected. The city itself seems not as bad. Admittedly it didn't seem that way when I had to walk into work the other day - buses weren't running because one of the main roads was flooded.

What was really worrying is that my house is near the river (about 50m), the river in question being about an inch and a half from bursting it's banks. One heavy rainfall would have been enough to have it over flowing.

Wanting to shore up our position and show that we were responsible mature tenants I was on the phone to the landlord (well estate agents) asking for sandbags. They won't stop a flood but they would hopefully slow things up enough that any flooding would be minimal. Helpfully, the council told us about the council giving away sand bags... in  a yard two miles I way. I gently suggested that since it wasn't our property and we didn't have transport (the car is being repaired this week) perhaps they might like to step up for that one.

Last night I set about mitigating any potential flooding as much as possible. We are lucky in that the downstairs of our house is an open plan kitchen and dining room and, crucially, is tiled so if water did get in the damage would be largely cosmetic. With this in mind, I moved everything that could be damaged by the water upstairs and began crossing my fingers. If you think I'm being hyperbolic, I'm not. A few streets up from us (and geographically further away from the river than our house) basement flats were being pumped out by the fire service. According to the next door neighbour, the water in the houses was up to three feet deep. According to my girlfriend, the firemen were very good looking!

Fortunately the worst hasn't happened. We woke up this morning to find that the kitchen was still nice and dry. Reassuringly the river level had dropped an inch or two as well. Weather reports are saying that the worst is over and I very much hope that's true. The estate agents also called me to say that they are actively keeping an eye on all the properties they manage in that area so I suppose I should be reassured by that.

An upshot of all of this, as I discovered last night, is that it's almost impossible to buy wellies. I went into town to get some last night (they had been on the list for a while) and was told that I had a choice between size 9 and size 12 and that was it (unless I wanted to shell out the guts of £100 a pair on Hunters - not just yet methinks!). There were other ones with hideous designs on them but even they were scarce in the size I was looking for. In the end I think I got the last two pairs of size 9 in the shop.

Fingers crossed we won't get any more rain any time soon. That would be most frustrating; especially as one of the main reasons we were labouring the point about being responsible tenants is that we're trying to convince the landlord to let us have a pet and (if he does) I don't think a rabbit would much appreciate being damp!

Anyway, things seem to be OK at the moment. I'm off to check the weather forecast with trepidation...

JR

Jobs (yet again)!

I was accused of being erudite the other day. This is not a word I would usually use to describe myself although I will certainly not object to it! I suppose it's a side effect of having many extremely intelligent and articulate friends that I feel at best on a par.

Either way, the comment came about because of a conversation with someone I now consider a good friend regarding job searches.

As a bit of background, this person in question is a good friend of my parent's next door neighbour. When I moved to the same area, my parent's next door neighbour introduced us a) so I would have at least one familiar face in the new town and b) because he has many friends who may prove useful contacts in my seemingly eternal hunt for a job. When we eventually met, we got on extremely well. Despite the fact that we have fairly dissimilar backgrounds (and quite an age difference) we have a very similar outlook on life so "gelled" quickly.

Coincidentally we both found ourselves in similar positions; looking for jobs and ideally on the hurry up and both found ourselves in utterly shit temporary jobs feeling vastly over qualified and under utilised. I don't wish to sound like a snob but this position is utterly soul destroying. Over the years I have worked extremely hard both academically and in extra curricular activities. Part of this is because the work and hobbies were interesting and fun but always in the back of my mind was the thought that I was building up a damn good CV which would stand me proud when it came to joining the real world and getting a proper job. Over the last few months I have often questioned what the point was. I could have just as easily spent my youth sitting on the sofa scratching my bolllocks; I still wouldn't have a proper job but at least I wouldn't have the sense of wasted effort. I know that's really fatalistic but it's not always easy to stay positive - despite the fact that I use Hugh Laurie's character from the 4th series of Blackadder as a role model for attitude; mindless optimism with blank denial of the bad bits.

Part of the problem I have is the fact that my CV is very academic. I have a good degree from a good university. That's great but lots of people have that. In addition to this I have post-graduate legal qualifications which, in theory, give me the basic knowledge to practise as a solicitor. Now these are great in that they have given me loads of examples of transferable skills and knowledge of the commercial world that I wouldn't have had otherwise in addition to the legal knowledge. The disadvantage is that potential employers look at them and think that I will run away to become a lawyer at the first opportunity. Now being a lawyer is still potentially on the cards but I'm by no means set on it. The qualifications were done as much to make me employable as to give me specific legal knowledge. I certainly didn't play at being a lawyer as a child or anything. However it's not easy convincing potential employers of this. The other thing that is happening when I apply for a lot of entry level positions just to get a start and some income is that I get rejected and told that I'm overqualified. Now while I don't dispute that I'm very qualified, I don't necessarily see that as a problem; ultimately I am prepared to work extremely hard and surely that is far more important?

My other major problem is that, partially because I have spent so long as a student, I don't really have much in the way of work experience and what I do have is either student holiday work or low level admin. Not brilliant springboards especially with the age-old cliche "must have experience".

I also know I'm not great at selling myself. I suffer the very British affliction of being self-deprecating (but I'm not very good at it). Promoting my qualities doesn't come easily; especially with the frequent rejections. It's hard not to take them personally. Give me a cause to fight on behalf of someone else and I will be loyal as a labrador, tenacious as a terrier and as ruthless as a rottweiler (and yes I am quite proud of that) but ask me to do it for myself and I become mute as a malimut (ok I'm taking it a bit far now)

One final fault is that I am still rather ignorant of the private sector and what large swathes of it do. I grew up with two parents who worked in the public sector so I'm relatively up on various aspects of that. I am also comfortable with the idea of what goes on in the academic world but I feel like a fish out of water with the corporate world. I understand major professions; law, accountancy, journalism, etc but a lot of the rest is a mystery to me. This makes it hard to be creative when it comes to job searching. How do you look for something that you don't actually know exists? I refuse to believe the graduate job market is so saturated that there isn't a place for me in it; especially in the area where I am. I am therefore left with the feeling of being in not quite the right place at any given time; like I'm at a tea-party while all my mates are at a riotous knees-up a few doors down that was organised spontaneously while I was at a dental appointment.

What is particularly galling is watching friends who are objectively no more employable than I am (or in some cases less so) sailing from solid, good job to solid, good job. They might not be the ones that kids dream about when growing up but never the less they are challenging and decently paid. It's hard not to become bitter and cynical. Where it has caused genuine friction is where the girlfriend is concerned. Because she did a vocational degree, there was a guarantee of a job at the end and a well paid one at that (albeit terrible to do as a job). As a result of this, she has absolutely no concept of the grinding pressure, the distress and sometimes the outright depression caused by being unemployed, job hunting and the stream of rejection. Albeit my campaign hasn't been conducted perfectly but she seems to think that my lack of success is due to little more than laziness. What compounds this stress is the the associated lack of understanding of what it is to be well and truly broke. She gets annoyed when I curtail suggestions on the grounds of cost not realising that when one has no income, no immediate prospect of income and limited funds suddenly going out to dinner or to see a film or to visit an attraction with an entry fee find themselves fairly firmly at the bottom of the priority list.

Anyway, enough moaning. At the moment I am fortunate enough to have a long-term temporary job that will see me comfortably until well past Christmas at least. That's no end of a relief. I also have the prospect of something more permanent coming up but I don't want to say too much about that at the moment for fear of jinxing it.

Have a good day everyone.

JR

Weapons

This post comes on the back of reading a post by a UK Police Officer where he talks about arresting one of his colleagues. One of the offences the officer was arrested for was possession of offensive weapons; not knives and guns which are almost uniformly illegal but with police issue batons and CS gas.

Now this is an interesting dichotomy. If on duty, a police officer can carry (and use) these items perfectly legally. They have special dispensation from the Home Secretary of the day exempting them from the blanket ban on carrying intended weapons. However off duty, despite the fact they are still expected to carry their warrant cards that convey powers only available to police officers, it becomes illegal to carry items intended for personal protection.

Originally I was going to suggest that the law be changed to allow police officers to carry these items at all times regardless of if they're working or not but I changed my mind on this. It throws up a few issues that I am not entirely comfortable with. Firstly is it would then create and implicit expectation that police officers will respond to any incident they encounter which really isn't fair. We need more police officers, we cannot expect current officers to intervene in their time off. Despite this, I am quite sure there are a vast number of officers who would happily intervene in incidents regardless of whether they are or are not on duty. The second issue this idea raises is a safety one. Yes off duty officers would have a baton and CS spray however they would be unlikely to have their radios; a vital tool to summon backup. No matter how good the officer, many incidents won't be able to be solved by one individual alone and fiddling with a mobile calling 999 is no substitute for a panic button. Finally there is the issue of showing off. Police blogs have long documented a swathe of warranted officers who rarely venture further than the front desk instead preferring to police with a computer. This is all very well and I'm sure that some vital functions are performed but I can't help thinking that by allowing officers to carry policing equipment off duty might lead to some (a small minority) who have gone straight for desk jobs and who don't have the experience in front line policing deciding to play the hero off duty - possibly showing off to the missus and/or mates - and causing the whole situation to degenerate. I don't have evidence to back up the latter theory beyond what I've read in various blogs and books about policing but common sense dictates that this could well be a considerable risk,

So instead of this, here's another idea entirely; instead of allowing officers to carry these items off duty, why not legalise them more generally. Now before you condemn this idea as popularising violence, hear me out.

First off, I'm not advocating that they be put on sale in the local Tescos. Instead have a licencing system whereby people can undergo education and training in self defence in exchange for a licence to purchase and carry batons and/or CS spray. The government is constantly talking about altering the law on self defence to allow innocent citizens to defend themselves and their property. Here's a real opportunity to put it's money where it's mouth is. Substitute the phrase "reasonable force" for "necessary force" and allow people to put a bit of muscle behind their defence and as part of that give them the tools to do it.

Now here's the next bit. Rather than use whatever comes to hand for defending oneself, why not use items designed for the purpose? Batons and CS gas are designed to allow the user to apply significant amounts of non-lethal force by the user. In short, if you're on the receiving end it's going to hurt like hell but it's not going to kill you. Surely that's to the good. Far better than someone grabbing and using a kitchen knife/screwdriver/spade and using those in panic. As I said before, these items would require a licence for purchase so there's the added advantage of requiring people who possess them to have undergone some form of training increasing the likelihood further that they can be deployed with maximal efficiency and minimal long-term damage to the recipient.

An argument against I can foresee is the argument that these items could end up in the hands of  criminals. Yes this is true but do you really think that they don't have access to scarier implements already. A quick trip round B&Q or Homebase will allow any wannabe reprobate to pick up lots of things considerably stabbier and generally more dangerous than the items I have spoken of. These can be bought perfectly legally and without any form of check. Not only that, many hardcore criminals have graduated to guns. What I'm suggesting is not escalating the situation, it's not even playing catch up, it is simply levelling the playing field ever so slightly against events such as mugging or burglary (which coincidentally is - hopefully - covers the more commonly experienced crimes in the UK).

So to recap what I am suggesting is that people in the UK be given the right to defend themselves with the force necessary to do so (rather than the bare minimum possible) and using tools specifically designed for the job subject to training. As a further point, I would strongly advocate widespread self-defence training available to all. Down the line, I would like to see it offered in schools as part of the PHSE or whatever it's called this week but in the short term I would like to see training maid openly and cheaply available. I am not advocating vigilante action but I am advocating people standing up for themselves rather than rolling over and being able to do so confident they know how, they have the equipment to do it safely and they have the backing of the law.

JR

A Bit of a Strange One

Today's post is going to be a bit of a strange one, mainly because I have absolutely no idea what I'm going to write about. Normally, if I was in this situation I would either wait until inspiration struck or publish a post I'd written previously and saved. Today however the saved box is empty. Beyond that, I have gotten into the habit of writing reasonably regularly (if not always well) and, even though it's only been a couple of days since I last wrote a post, I've been missing it. That sounds really strange as a sentiment I know but it's true.

As you may or may not be able to tell, I'm still not sure where this is going!

A friend of mine, one of the very few people who read this and know me in the flesh (you know who you are MFW), asked me how I decide what to write. The answer is; I don't. Sometimes an amusing observation will occur to me and I will flesh it out a bit. Other times there will be an issue that I am particularly passionate about I want to discuss in more detail. Sometimes I just want a rant. Finally there are times when I just want to sound off about one of my various geeky passions.

I'm still not entirely sure why I started blogging. I think I rather expected some sort of consistent theme emerging over the course of my posts but that hasn't really happened. I did have a vague idea that I would like to comment on current affairs but I decided fairly quickly that it wasn't for me. Essentially I get irritated seeing the same few opinions rehashed in newspapers under various synonyms so I really didn't see the point in adding to the general white noise. I have made exceptions either because I think I have a genuine point to make or because I feel a particular level of passion.

I did also toy with the idea of writing a comic take of the world around me. That still appeals to an extent but it can be fun to be serious at times. Most of the time I go with what I think is interesting or important at the time.

I have a couple of posts brewing at the moment that  I could have written up tonight  but they are all on quite serious topics and I'm not really in the right frame of mind to do them justice. Also, I'm still not sure in myself about my thoughts and feelings regarding some of the things I will write about and that's really not a good start to writing something coherent and worth reading (as I think I might be proving rather nicely now).

Right, my desire to write has been sated. It has been slightly strange actually reflecting on my motivation for posting. Normal service will be back soon.

JR

Boys Toys

There's something about small (and to be honest big) boys that makes them magnetically attracted to modes of transport. Most guys I know have a list of 10 cars they would buy if they won the lottery. Most girls I know don't - some do but they are very much in the minority. It's no great coincidence that Top Gear is presented by three blokes who (apart from questionable taste in shirts) are about as normal as you get.

It doesn't just extend to cars though; motorbikes, planes, trains and boats all have their following of beardy anorak types. Details will be discussed by like minded chaps across the land.

What brought this observation to mind was an incident at work the other day. At work there is a helipad. As I was walking into the building a couple of days back, a helicopter decided to land; much to the delight of the small boy who was heading in the opposite direction (with his parents I should add) who stood, rooted to the spot watching events unfold. I know this because I was doing something similar! It's pretty cool to have a helicopter land less than 100ft away. What made his day (and got 'Awwwww' points even from an old cynic like me) was when the crew of the helicopter beckoned him over to have a look round the aircraft. Naturally his eyes were out on stalks; he looked like all his Christmases had come at once.

I noticed this phenomenon a couple of years ago too when, as a volunteer with St. John Ambulance, I used to show kids round our vehicles during quiet times. I thought it was decent PR, would give the parents a bit of a break and maybe bag me some cute points with any passing girls. To a child the way the reacted to the vehicles could be predicted by the gender. The girls would be in the back looking at all the equipment and asking what the variously shaped and coloured bits of kit did. The boys; well they were straight into the driver's seat turning the wheel and asking if they could turn the blue lights on!

I can't claim to be too dissimilar. I joined St. John partly to keep my first aid knowledge up to date, partly to actually get to treat people, partly to increase my clinical skills and techniques and also because I knew they had a fleet of blue light ambulances and I rather fancied driving on lights and sirens. Before you go stamping me with a 'boy racer' label I should say that I'm naturally a fairly cautious driver. I even failed a test for being too cautious. Still driving well and driving quickly appeals (without being reckless of course). When pushed I'm willing to bet that most emergency drivers will - in a quiet moment - admit they like driving fast.

It doesn't just end there though. Such is my desire to know how to operate moving vehicles that I secretly quite fancy getting my motorbike and my HGV licence just because then I could say I could drive bikes on trucks. This is despite the fact that I am too scared to get a motorbike and I have no intention of ever becoming a trucker. And I'm not alone. For further evidence look no further than Rowan Atkinson, who even incorporated his truck licence into a Not the Nine O'Clock News sketch. Another example would be a friend of my dad's who is a media consultant by day but also retains his bus licence and does tours of the Highlands just because he loves driving buses.

Anyway, that's my observation for today. It is all completely anecdotal of course but I think it's vaguely true.

JR

English

As you may or may not have guessed I love the English language. I think it's wonderfully diverse, elegant and musical. I genuinely believe it's the most wonderful way of expressing oneself and communicating (albeit that my usage is often somewhat clumsy!)

Given my previous post about bookshops it's also no great shocker to say that I love reading and encountering new forms of the language. Another way of interaction that I enjoyed, especially when I was younger, was talking books. They were a great way of interacting with literature that was more advanced than my reading age. By my early teens I had gotten to grips with Bram Stoker and several of Dickens' best works this way. Listening to Sir John Gielguid and Sir Ralph Richardson acting out the Sherlock Holmes stories was another highlight and even now, years later, I still remember them well.

It therefore shames me to admit that there's one British writer who reliably leaves me at best cold and at worst in a cold sweat. This writer is William Shakespeare. Ever since I first encountered his work at school I have had a visceral dislike of it. It would be easy to blame this dislike on a bad experience at school and this, to an extent, is true. Reading a play out round a class in dull, dispassionate monotones is hardly a baseline to inspire awe and passion; especially when nobody really had a clue what the bloody hell was going on. I didn't just quit there though; I persevered through the remainder of school via different teachers with a usually unparalleled ability to capture the interest of pupils but still I could not engage with the material. Still every time the Shakespeare came out I was overcome with the desire to chew my arm off while injecting cyanide into my eyeballs.

Now I understand that the majority of Shakespeare's best work is in the form of plays (said works were read out in class after all) and the only way to interact with a play is to see it performed. So off to the theatre I went, suitably primed with a rough idea of what was about to happen. And still I was left cold, bored and irritated at how much of my life I had wasted. At this point I will point out I did go into all of the plays I saw with a consciously open mind. I wanted to like it but I just couldn't. In fact, about the only form of Shakespeare's work I actually enjoyed was the film version of Romeo and Juliet from the '60s. This was not down to the story it was down to the fact that a) I am a huge fan of Franco Zephereli as a director and b) I was massively attracted to Olivia Hussey who played Juliet (until I found out that she was at school with my dad).

Another form of English that I cannot seem to interact with or engage with is poetry. Now here I will admit I haven't encountered all that much and poetry is probably like whisky; nobody genuinely doesn't like it, they just haven't encountered the right example. At school we studied almost exclusively Scottish poetry (fair enough given we've produced our fair share of good poets). The only problem was, in my school, we were lumbered with some turgid crap that was forced upon us seemingly exclusively because the poet lived just down the road. Genuinely as far as I can tell, it was entirely devoid of artistic merit. I have since tried to engage with the poetry, particularly Burns, but unfortunately - because I spent school poetry lessons in my mental happy place as a form of self-preservation - I am really unsure and lacking confidence in how to interact with the material.

Again, I'm not particularly proud of this trait. I don't really enjoy being a bit of a philistine but at the moment, I'm not really sure how to go about changing it. I don't know if there is an 'Idiot's guide to poetry' on the market. If there is, let me know.

JR

Schoolboy Humour

Despite the fact that age-wise I am very firmly in my mid 20s and some aspects of my personality are closer to grumpy old man there is still part of me that will remain forever young; my sense of humour! It resides somewhere in the 6th form, always has done and probably always will do.

Knob jokes are funny. Come on... Admit it. As are crude innuendos. The less offensive euphemisms for female genitals can also be deployed to great comic effect. And in the true style of the TV show, 'The Inbetweeners' jokes about your mate's mum (usually implying sexual promiscuity) are always hilarious.

Now most of the time this doesn't create any problems. Obviously it gets reigned in for professional situations or other encounters where it wouldn't be appropriate. Then I just snigger internally. The only problem is when someone is dropping clanging innuendos and not even realising it. That is a real test of self-control.

One person particularly guilty of this is my girlfriend's mother. She doesn't even have to be there half the time. A good example of this was last year on a holiday to Portugal. A lot of the pottery there had cockerel motifs on it. This prompted my girlfriend to say, "We should get some of this for my mum, she loves cocks!" And me to double up with laughter.

Last weekend was a particularly tough one for this reason. We were down visiting them and as it was getting cold, we were all wrapping up. One item in the possession of JRGF's mother was an object called a muff designed to keep the hands warm.

Now for those of you that don't speak Brit, muff is also a euphemism for the female genitals. Hence the lines, "Do you like my muff?" and, "It's lovely and fluffy isn't it?".

Naturally this had me chewing on my tongue in attempt not to get the giggles. To make things worse, my girlfriend knew exactly what I was thinking so I had to fight not to make eye contact with her lest she set me off further.

Ah well, it was a good story to tell afterwards anyway.

JR

Pippa Middleton

Morning all. May I just say to start with that I'm afraid those of you looking for a post on the world's most famous bottom are going to have to look elsewhere. It is a very nice bottom but I'm afraid I can't think of too much to write about it save, perhaps, a list of mysoginistic adjectives. Instead I am going to write about the lady in question's new book.

Now before I start I should qualify this by saying I haven't actually read said tome although I have avidly consumed a lot of the press around it. Therefore all opinions are received, possibly untrue but hopefully funny.

For those of you who have been living on Jupiter for the last month or so, this is a book written by Miss Middleton about party planning. It has recipes for party food, party games and party themes. It also has plenty pictures of the author herself swathed in cashmere and looking incredibly wholesome while surrounded by impossibly cherubic, rosy-cheeked children (again, no shots from behind. Sorry. The neck lines are also high given she's usually bending over to engage with said sprogs). The consensus among reviewers generally revolves around the theme of Pippa peddling trite cliché's that every kid has known since the age of five. Instructions on pass the parcel seem to bear that out.

However I'm going to degend the book (and not just because I fancy the girl who wrote it and hope that she might wish to display her gratitude by a big "hug"). Firstly; if you view it not as an absolute guide but as a source of inspiration it suddenly makes a lot more sense. Like recipe books that contain old classics, sometimes you need a small cue to access what's kicking around in your memory already. When you think about it like that, it fills the brief nicely.

Secondly, the arguenment of it being common sense only really works if you grew up in Britain. I have just finished reading the biography of Shappi Khorsandi, an Iranian comedian, written about her childhood in Britain. A constant refrain throughout was her frustration that her mother never really 'got' British food or the British take on various common social functions. There was a particularly entertaining passage where she describes her frustration at trying to tell her mother what fish fingers were! So, as a quick guide to how to fit in and do things the British way it sounds perfect.

There are also some wonderful innuendos (possibly more apparent because of the author). My favourite is the description of a cake as, "not too rich and stays moist for ages!".

Sadly it looks like it's going to be a bit of a flop. I say sadly because, despite my defence, I'm not sure the book was a good idea. It seems to have been conceived as a way for a publisher to make money off of Pippa's fame rather than because there's any particular gap in the market. Even Pippa herself has expressed surprise that she has been asked to write it. The sales are probably not helped by the fact that Pippa has rather sensibly refused to do any interviews about it. I say sensibly because inevitably the interviewer will spend most of their tume trying to pry information from her about her sister and brother in law which is not only tacky but would equally inevitably lead to accusations being levelled at her of cashing in on her connections. Now of course she only got the job because of her new-found prominence. Let's accept that and move on.

I hope this book does well. I'd nothing else, it would be a really nice comeback to the (mainly female) critics who have written catty and bitchy articles about it.
JR

Bookshops

Continuing the theme of places where I enjoy passing time, today I'm going to talk about bookshops.

Despite the fact that I'm an enthusiastic Kindle user, I still love "proper" paper books. I love the smell, the tactile experience and the sense of satisfaction as I watch my progress through whichever tome I happen to be reading. None of these things can adequately be replicated on an e-reader. An extension of this is that bookshops are pretty much the only shops where I can enjoy browsing.

I had almost forgotten this fact until recently. Most of the books I have bought recently have been via Amazon. This is either because I wanted them for my kindle or because it was cheaper to buy them second hand there than buy them new. Unfortunately new books are still prohibitively expensive even with money off and special offers. However, on the flip side, clicking through pages and pages of books on Amazon isn't nearly as satisfying. Also, it means I usually go on to Amazon to purchase specific books rather than browse and that's a shame since I have picked up some absolutely wonderful books over the years simply by picking one up, having a quick flick through and going on gut instinct.

Anyway, I rediscovered the pleasure of browsing in bookshops the other day when I had some time to kill before an appointment. I considered going for a coffee but I didn't much fancy forking out a fortune for something that I wasn't particularly going to enjoy in the first place. Therefore, I found myself ambling into the nearest bookshop with the vague notion that I might get some ideas for Christmas presents.

Strangely, despite my usual reticence to national chain stores, book shops are something of an exception. I generally don't have a problem browsing through Waterstones despite the fact that they have a near-monopoly on the high street book sales market. I rather like the layout of their shops which creates lots of little alcoves where one can go and explore. There is also ample provision of chairs so you can sit and flick through a book before deciding whether or not to buy it (or make a note of it to buy second hand on Amazon: cheeky but needs must at the moment). I love browsing through all the sections seeing what catches my eye. I love the feeling of being surrounded by so many stories, so many things to learn and the possibility that my outlook on life could be partially or completely changed by the contents between the covers.

Strangely and slightly counter-intuitively I don't get the same feeling in libraries. One would think that, if anything, the feeling would be magnified there since there's no pressure to buy. I think part of the problem may just be the atmosphere. Every time I go into a library I get hit by a wall of silence that is as oppressive as it is deafening. As I have said in previous posts, I really don't like the sound of silence. For some reason I find it deeply unsettling and being enveloped in that atmosphere makes it impossible to be at ease. In book shops however there is always a gentle murmur of human activity; not much but enough to be there in the background and be comforting.

One thing I don't like about modern book shops is the presence of franchised coffee shops in them. Apart from the fact that the pervasive smell of over-brewed  coffee and steamed milk ruins the smell of the books, it just doesn't seem necessary. I mean, the bigger department stores aside, which other shopping venues have built in catering? It all seems a bit much and a bit too blatant an attempt to part people from their cash whether they like it or not.

A final area which I haven't yet touched on but I absolutely love are second hand book shops. I love browsing through these and uncovering complete gems of books that I would probably never look twice at otherwise. Over they years I have found some complete gems in them and total bargains too. It is possible to emerge with several books and still have change of a tenner. Even better is the fact that most second hand book shops are run by charities so one can be fairly sure that most of what you spend is going to a reasonably good cause. Where I am at the moment, the charity book shops offer a reasonable chance of getting good quality antique books. I was heartbroken recently when I saw an early edition Pride and Prejudice in one. It would have been perfect for my girlfriend's Christmas present. Unfortunately I wasn't working at the time and couldn't justify the cost of buying it when there wasn't any prospect of work imminently. When I got a job a few weeks later the first thing I did was return to the shop to try and get it for her but unfortunately someone else had got there before me and snapped it up. Hopefully there will be others.

Anyway, on that note I will bring my ramble through the merits of book shops to a close.

JR

The Pub

"Let's go to the Pub." These words are almost invariably music to my ears (unless I have a hangover) but why should this be the case? Why do I and so many others like me love the pub?

Well believe it or not, the consumption of alcohol is fairly far down the list. Yes it's nice to sit with a pint and go to an establishment with a range of real ales offering opportunities to try pints that I would otherwise never have but there's so much more to it than that. The pub is one place of seemingly infinite plasticity of usage. By that I mean, for almost any occasion the pub will do: quiet night with a couple of friends, raucous piss up, celebration, commiseration, dates, neutral meeting ground even a place to be alone. In all of these scenarios the pub is the ideal place to be.

At this point I should be clear. When I say pub, I do mean pub; not bars. They're a different kettle of fish. A pub is somewhere that has quiet, if any, ambient music, comfy seats, some games behind the bar, is dog friendly and has no cocktail menu. The choice of wine will extend not much further than red or white and it's unlikely you will be getting any obscure vodkas to have with your orange juice. Cardboard beermats will be on the tables (who's only known use is to build houses of cards with since they disintegrate when wet) and it will be staffed by a convivial landlord and/or a flirty barmaid. This is a proper pub and, believe it or not, they are not too difficult to find.

As I say, the pub has the great advantage of servicing all your needs. Go in wanting some peace and quiet and you can sit happily by yourself with nobody disturbing you. Pub etiquette dictates if you see someone nursing a pint alone and looking grumpy you leave them well alone. That said, pub etiquette also dictates that, even in the most antisocial urban environments, it is perfectly acceptable to strike up a conversation with the stranger next to you in the bar if you are so inclined (usually a Scotsman in my experience regardless of where you are in the country).

So why does the phrase, "Let's go to the pub" fill me with such joy. Well usually it signifies that it's time to kick back and relax. It is normally said at the end of a working day, the end of a course or even at the end of a particularly arduous set of household chores. It signifies that the boring/serious bit is over and relaxation time has begun. It is no coincidence therefore that in most clubs or societies I've been in, there has usually been a trip to the pub after formal meetings. It provides a welcome opportunity for social bonding and also makes the formal meetings more efficient by giving everyone the opportunity to relax, socialise and catch up afterwards meaning they can focus on club business during the meeting. It is also a chance to informally analyse operations (usually in the form of mutual mocking) and develop plans for improvement.

I think the main reason I feel so comfortable in the pub though is that it's one of the few places I can honestly say I understand the unspoken social rules. It means I can relax knowing it's unlikely I will unwittingly make a faux pas... vitally important for a Brit. The main rule is of course, relax, be yourself and conduct social activity largely on your terms. What could be better?

You could argue that cafe's have much the same ethos but I disagree. In the more fashionable chain ones, there are usually plenty of people there to be watched rather than to just relax. You can tell them because they are ostentatiously ignoring everyone while staring at the latest tablet/laptop with some bucket of frothy concoction by their side. At the other end of the spectrum are the quieter places. Again you could say that they should have a similar atmosphere but every time I go in  one I feel an air of enforced jollity. They're the kind of places one feels obliged to comment on one's mediocre cake and weak tea to prove how much you're enjoying it (even though you're probably not). Certainly dirty jokes or the mildest of raucous behaviour are a complete no no and to top it off, they usually shut by 7 so there's no chance of making a night of it.

So in short, if you want me, I'll be in the pub. See you there!

JR

Why Can't Men Dress

This post/rant has been brewing for a while but a number of events over the last few weeks have brought the subject to the front of my mind again.

Firstly, I recently spent a few days working in a well known tailor and gentlemen's outfitter. The whole place had the air of a country house with wood panelling, antique furniture and a roaring fire. All it really needed was a sleeping labrador to complete the look. Anyway, I digress, the place was full of absolutely beautiful men's clothes ranging from tweeds and moleskins to sharp suits via some rather nice velvet smoking jackets and dinner suits. Not only this, but they had a fantastic range of accessories; pocket squares, cufflinks, collar bars, braces, etc to compliment the main items. I was particularly taken by some of the silk linings for jackets available in the tailoring section. All of it combined to give gents a classically elegant look but with plenty scope to add twists and flourishes to show a bit of personal style. Since I'm a bit of a dandy at heart, I spent a large amount of time there compiling a mental shopping list for when I actually have money.

During this assignment, it emerged that I have a bit of natural flair as a salesman. I certainly wasn't flogging snow to eskimos but I did manage to shift a fair amount of stock. I would love to say I knew how I did this but I think it was mainly due to my natural enthusiasm for the products (i.e. I was sounding convincing because I would have happily bought virtually every item I sold). Never the less it was quite satisfying, especially with the younger chaps who came in and who were asking for help navigating the world of smart menswear. I don't claim any great expertise but those around me seemed to think I knew what I was talking about and left happy.

The icing on the cake (if you'll excuse the hyperbole) came in the form of feedback from my manager who complimented me on my personal presentation. Apparently I got brownie points not only for showing up in a suit but for wearing it well. Now you would think that, if you were working in a tailors, you would show up fairly smart. I know not everyone owns a suit but certainly you would go with smart trousers, leather shoes, a shirt and a tie. Apparently not. The manager was telling me of some guys who turned up in jeans, t shirts and trainers. Another problem he encounters regularly is men turning up to work not really knowing how to wear a suit and therefore it ends up hanging off them and looking dreadful; usually not helped by the tie being worn with the knot half way down the chest and the top few buttons of the shirt undone.

The second incident that prompted this post was as a result of attending a formal event with my girlfriend and her parents. Her mother was complimenting me on my suit and my tie which lead to a conversation about how lots of young men don't know how to dress and even when the do put on smart clothes they look like schoolboys wrestled into the attire.

The trouble is, it's not just young men that can't dress. Middle-aged men really can't either. Let's call it the Jeremy Clarkson effect. You know the look; ill fitting jeans coupled with a shirt and some form of shapeless jacket. The usual accompaniment to all of this is a pair of manky old shoes or even worse... trainers. This isn't just casual, it's a combination of teenage boy statement casual and just not giving a damn. The clothes are there for the dual purpose of covering nudity and providing warmth and that's it.

I think this is a bit sad really. To me, it shows a certain lack of self-respect. Fair enough, a tie isn't suitable for all occasions (although my late grandmother would fiercely dispute that point) and yes apparently scruffy is "cool" but surely everybody should be able to scrub up if they need to and without looking like a sulky teenager about it. If nothing else, if you are going somewhere that requires more formal presentation then it is usually some sort of occasion. Surely as a mark of respect to the other people there and to the occasion itself you should toe the line.

Now I will admit, I do like wearing more formal clothes. I enjoy wearing my suits and wearing them well. I feel comfortable wearing them and in return, they give me confidence. Along with these I have a treasured collection of cufflinks amassed in the ten years since I got my first suit and a collection of ties which I wear at every conceivable opportunity. Even when going casual, I generally opt for the more formal take. As such, I am usually to be found in a shirt tucked into my jeans and with some sort of blazer/tweed jacket on top. Not exactly over the top but I think it shows a bit of effort.

Now I've used the phrase, "make an effort" a couple of times. The real kicker is that putting on smarter clothes doesn't really take much more effort than putting of scruffy clothes. In fact, it can take more effort to go for the frayed round the edges look and it has lots of advantages. First among which is the fact that girls seem to like a man who scrubs up well (James Bond as a sex symbol anyone?). Certainly a consensus amongst girls I have gone out with and female friends is that they love it when their other halves don an suit and tie (they like the kilt even more but that's another post). Not only that but from personal experience, I have found people tend to take me more seriously if I'm dressed in a smarter manner. There are probably all sorts of sociological and psychological reasons for this but let's not go into that here. Finally, and harking back to a previous post, it creates useful gift opportunities for those around you. Chances are, if a man goes to the effort of wearing ties and/or cufflinks he likes them (since both require just an extra little burst of effort) therefore will be genuinely grateful to receive them. Given the variety in both, there is the potential for many easy Christmases there.

Ok, in the last point, I was mainly speaking for myself knowing that most of my favourite ties have been gifts. For some reason I am awful at choosing ties for myself. Unless they have a specific meaning (e.g. graduate/club ties) then a little voice in my head spurs me on to go for creatively patterned ties which, although objectively are lovely, aren't quite my style. However everybody else seems to go for the more conservative designs which hit the spot perfectly. The one exception to this is probably my favourite tie of all. From a distance, it looks like it's navy blue with white dots. Only when you get closer do you realise the dots are actually small dalmations. Ordinarily I would never wear a novelty tie unless it was a bet but this one has a bit of a story behind it. I got it for my father as a father's day gift when I was about 8 and novelty ties were a "cool" idea. It actually worked quite well for him as he was a drama teacher; a shirt and tie were expected attire at work but at the same time, due to the nature of the subject, stuffiness was certainly unwelcome. The tie hit the mark perfectly being just smart enough to get away with but with more than a touch of humour (kind of like dad generally). Over the years it became a bit of a celebrity within the school with his pupils always trying to count the dalmations (a trend which has continued every time I have worn it). Anyway, he retired some years ago and as a result never really wore ties and on my 21st birthday he gave it to me to continue the tradition of wearing with a comedic glint in the eye.

Sorry, went off on a tangent there. For my final point I will say that I'm not necessarily advocating spending a fortune on clothes just to smarten up a bit. I don't think I have ever spent more than £100 on a suit but despite this have managed to gain a reputation for being elegant and well dressed. Equally a few well chosen shirts seem to me to be the way forward as they can do both casual and smart.

Maybe I've read one too many books set in the jazz age or seen one too many costume dramas hence my slightly skewed idea of what chaps should wear (well that and looking to Bond as a bit of a style guide) but there we have it. Rant over!

JR

Quiet

Sorry I've been a bit quiet recently. I've spent the last week or so bouncing about between some very short term contracts. I can't exactly say it's been relaxing, challenging, fulfilling  or lucrative but at least there's some cash trickling into my bank account.

Fortunately, there is the prospect of something a bit longer term on the horizon. Hopefully this will bear fruit and feed my slight food addiction for the next wee while.

As I have said before, the deeply, deeply frustrating thing is that I'm absolutely raring to go. Give me a good job and I will go at it both barrels and give it my all. Without wishing to sound conceited, I have the intellectual capacity to pick up a lot of things quickly. I also have the personality to fit into most teams and groups of people without too much effort. All in all I think I'm reasonably employable and I would be an asset to any companies that choose to give me go.

On the plus side, I now have some fantastic recruitment consultants on my side. This goes up to and includes a few vouching for me personally despite the fact that my CV doesn't quite tick all the boxes.

Hopefully, fingers crossed, something long-term will crop up soon and I can crack on and give it my all.

JR

New Tricks

Despite the fact that an awful lot of crap clogs up our screens, I'm a bit of a telly addict. Part of this is probably due to the fact I was only allowed heavily rationed viewing when I was younger and the novelty of unrestricted access has yet to fully wear off. The major reason however is that I really don't like the sound of silence. I agree with whoever first described the sound of silence as deafening. As I have said in previous posts, music leaves me rather cold, radio 4 (my default station) has some spectacularly good programmes but often take a bit too much concentration for background listening so often the best default option for a bit of background sound is television.

Amongst all the dross there are some gems. Police mystery dramas are high on the hit list for both my girlfriend on me. Even now, having watched far more than I should really admit to, there is an enduring appeal in a "whodunit" and a satisfaction at the end when the police get their man in the nick of time to full the alloted time slot. The perpetrator never makes a last minute dash and we never see them writing up paperwork well into the news. It's all just charmingly neat and tidy.

Anyway, one such programme that is currently riding high in my estimations is New Tricks. This is about a team of ex-detectives working for the Metropolitan Police to solve unsolved cases. The team is lead by Amanda Redman's character, the only serving police officer and Oedipal mother figure of the group with Alun Armstrong (the eccentric genius), Dennis Waterman (the cockney 'Jack the Lad' type) and James Bolam (the sensible one) playing the retired detectives.

The format wonderfully with the four main characters playing off each other nicely, each complimenting the others in terms of both ability and quirks. A steady bubble of humour grew around all of them as they teased each other, played windups and supported each other through personal trauma while occasionally solving crimes through extraordinary deduction and recourse to the 'good old days.

So far so good. Like I say, the format worked well over the series that this cast were together. That was until James Bolam decided to leave. I quite liked the handling of his departure. Even if it was a bit sudden and felt a bit forced (perhaps the latter was due to reading the back-stories in the press) the writers managed to tie up all the loose ends and give the character a decent send off.

This has meant that Bolam's character has been succeeded by a character played by Denis Lawson. My first impressions are that he is immensely likeable. He certainly seems to have what Glaswegians would call "patter". This is all well and good, the only problem is that his character is a bit of a chancer as well. This puts him firmly in the same bracket as Dennis Waterman and, unsurprisingly, over the course of the latest series, the two characters have become firm friends. In fact the other two are increasingly taking a back seat in episodes (again, according to the press, the actors are planning to leave the show therefore it's not exactly surprising).

I can see a spin-off happening in the near future - possibly involving a relocation to Scotland. Unusually where change is involved, I think this could be a rather good idea and work quite well. The way the two characters interact at the moment, they would certainly be playing more for laughs than drama but that's not necessarily a bad thing.

At any rate, I will be interested to see how things pan out in the series.

JR

Who Should be the next Bond Girl?

In typical impatient fashion; now that I've seen the new Bond film, my thoughts have immediately turned to the next one. I am hoping against hope that the new cast members in some of the more fixed roles (e.g. Q) will remain in the series for many years to come. I thought their performances were excellent and, although different from the original actors to play the roles, were as good. Daniel Craig has already signed up to do at least two more films and I feel confident that the role of Bond is safe with him.

With that in mind, my thoughts have turned to who should play the next Bond girl. I'm sure I should say 'Bond Woman' these days but sod it, political correctness can wait for another wee while.

The title of Bond girl is one that is remarkably fluid so let's start by examining what it takes to be one. The first thing to note is that being bedded by Bond does not make a character a Bond girl (it helps but it's not conclusive). An example of this would be Sylvia Trench (Dr. No and From Russia With Love). Although she is seen with Bond in several intimate poses she doesn't really add anything to the plot and therefore doesn't really qualify. There are others like her who succumb to Bond's charms but don't qualify for full Bond girl status. I would try and codify a term but I may sound even more mysoginistic than I already do.

Next up is the fact that they don't necessarily have to be allies (although it helps). Some Bond girls have been on one side all the way through, others have switched at some point in the film. That said, the vast majority will - while not always wholeheartedly supporting Bond - do something to help him achieve his mission.

So I've covered some things that Bond girls are most certainly not. Now let's look at what they are. They have to be sexy: there's no two ways about it. Obviously this is a fairly subjective measure (Bond doesn't really have a 'type' hence a vast number of actresses have played Bond girls) but the truly great ones are not just bimbos that fall on their backs with their legs splayed at a moment's notice (well not just that). They have to be 'sassy' as well; there needs to be if not banter between Bond and the Bond girl, at least some verbal jousting and repartee. As I have said, they need to feature heavily enough to forward the plot but not so much that they get in the way. Ideally they should have some specialist skill or knowledge that can be used by Bond to complete the mission.

In my opinion, one of the best Bond girls of the whole series was Eva Green in Casino Royale. She smouldered like a fine cigar while verbally jousting with Bond and creating an almost unbearable sexual tension between them. Not only this but she was a pivotal point in the whole story. Other excellent examples are Barbara Bach in The Spy Who Loved Me and Ursula Andress in Dr. No - the first and one of the best.

So now we turn to the point of the post; identifying actors who would be good for the next Bond girl whoever she may be.

Although not an actor (despite being frequently seen on television), my first vote would go to Kate Middleton a.k.a. The Duchess of Cambridge. Since the Olympic opening ceremony, there is now precedent for females in the Royal Family to appear alongside Bond and I think this should be exploited to it's fullest extent. The Duchess radiates the natural poise and beauty that all the great Bond girls have (although many have been models and beauty queens, the role calls for them to be more girl next door than catwalk queen). Her hair, voice, poise and track record for looking stunning in evening wear all count in her favor for the role. Somehow, sadly, I doubt this casting decision will go beyond this blog so let's looks elsewhere.

Another obvious choice would be the Duches' younger sister Pippa although in my opinion she would be better placed as the femme fetale rather than Bond girl.

One actress that I think would have been perfect for the position in the early nineties while the franchise was sadly in the doldrums was Kate Winslett. She again has a natural beauty and confidence on screen that would nicely compliment the films. In the same category is the equally stunning Mrs Craig or Rachel Weiss as she is otherwise known. Part of me would like to see her cast now just so we could see husband and wife playing opposite each other.

Moving on to actresses who are hopefully more likely to be cast, one I think would be brilliant is Jessica Brown-Findlay formerly Lady Sybill of Downtun Abbey. Based largely on seeing her in that part I think she comes across brilliantly on screen and has the right mix of presence, charm and prettiness (and aptitude for wearing impressive dresses) to be perfect.

Another actress I think would be brilliant in the 'English Rose' school of Bond girl is Emma Watson. Throughout the Harry Potter series she showed herself capable of great presence on the screen as well as having an ability to do action sequences. In my view, it would be the perfect opportunity to 'de-tween' her image and move into more adult roles.

For a slightly racier Bond girl, I think Sienna Miller would be perfect. I think she would be perfect for a character that was intended to give Bond a bit of a hard time before eventually reverting to the good-guys and have a bit of action thrown in.

Yet another suggestion would be Miranda Raison. When she was in Spooks she did some fantastic action scenes and had some wonderfully intense moments. In a later TV series she had some lovely funny moments and (along with Toby Stevens) had some wonderful flirty chemistry bubbling just under the surface. Both are just what's required for a brilliant Bond girl.

There are probably some really obvious choices that I have overlooked here in this quick run through of potential replacements. If any spring to mind, please flag them up in a comment below. Failing that, what do you think of my choices so far?

JR

Presents for Guys

Somehow, somewhere somebody has decided that it would be a good idea to put the Christmas decorations up already in some shops. You know, because September is such a traditionally festive month. No doubt this is aimed to provoke an orgy of consumerism from now until about mid-January. Joy. As always, I will be leaving my Christmas shopping until mid-December. If I was organised, I would of course do it mid-January and take advantage of the sales but a) that always feels a bit naughty even though nobody I am likely to buy gifts for would really mind (especially as they would usually get the same amount spent, just better gifts) and b) who knows where one is going to be in a year.

Anyway, this isn't really the point of the post. It was provoked by stumbling on an article (I don't know where so sorry for lack of link) about good presents to buy girls; not just for Christmas but generally. This is the antidote to that; good presents to buy guys.

Now before you girls start grumbling, "Guys are so hard to get presents for", we're not. This is a rough guide but hopefully it will provide inspiration. Of course, with all of this there's the pervasive caveat know your audience but that said, let's crack on.

Firstly, ignore guys that say they don't need anything. Presents are not about things that one necessarily needs but that doesn't mean they can't be useful or functional.

Most chaps I know love gadgets. There's a hierarchy here: if you can hurt yourself on it, it's close to the top. Swiss army knives are good here. I've had mine since I was about 15 and it has honestly been one of the most useful things ever. After that are things with an electric circuit; if they light up or go "beep" that's a plus. After that come individual passions of the chap in particular.

The above is a bit flippant but it's not a bad start if you really are stuck. However, don't be afraid of seemingly "generic" presents. A lot of guys I know genuinely appreciate things that would normally be considered dull. I'm talking things like ties and cuff-links here. My male friends agree almost unanimously that they are proud of their collections of each. Both are largely sartorial flourishes these days but a good way to display how well you know the person. Be very wary of novelty items as they will normally be worn in a work or a formal environment. That's not to say they have to be totally dull. I have a pair that say "bow" and "stroke", the rowing equivalent of port and starboard which makes sense since I used to row. I also have a pair which are watch mechanisms mounted on a cuff-link which ties into my love of watches. Both show originality and personality without being garish so hit the spot nicely.

Pens are another possibility. Almost everybody has to write on a daily basis so why not make it a bit more pleasant with a decent pen. I'm not necessarily talking about blowing serious cash on a Mont Blanc; others can be obtained far more cheaply but are desirable none the less. A stainless steel Parker Jotter will give you enough change from a tenner to go for a drink afterwards but it also featured heavily in Goldeneye and therefore will be valued by anyone who remotely considers themselves a Bond fan. Or what about a fisher space pen - designed by NASA to work in zero gravity and write on all sorts of odd surfaces such as on grease or under water. This was achieved using some clever gel-ink which was kept in a cannister under pressure (it's interesting to note that the Russians had a device with similar capabilities... a pencil!) and again won't break the bank. See what I mean? Cool enough to be a gadget without being hideously expensive.

Drinking vessels are also good ones. Err on personalised and classic if going for tankards rather than a Simpsons et al one. Hip flasks are another good shout; there's almost limitless variety and a good one will last a long time. Most have metal surfaces that can be inscribed if you want an added touch. A favourite gift of mine was a cut-glass whisky tumbler I received for my 18th. It has stayed with me since and I love it. However drinking vessels don't necessarily have to be alcohol related. On my 21st I received a James Bond mug featuring a dust jacket picture and quote from Goldfinger. It was an add-on to my main present but I loved it (sadly it broke recently) and made morning coffee much more pleasant and morning generally just a wee bit more bearable.

On the subject of drinking vessels, drink is never a bad shout but again, know your audience. I love whisky and always genuinely appreciate bottles I've given. It has introduced me to whiskys I have never heard of (which is impressive) and opened my eyes to others I have yet to try. However, be careful; make sure it's their tipple of choice unless you have sufficient expertise in whatever you're buying to be nigh on certain they will like it.

See what I mean folks, the obvious stuff can be appreciated if done carefully.

So what have my favourite gifts been, apart from the ones already mentioned? Well my watch, kilt and some of my pens are certainly up there but not just the very expensive stuff.

An ex gave me a bottle of Floris 89 aftershave. This is the stuff favoured by Ian Flemming and James Bond therefore, as a huge Bond fan, I loved it. Not only does it smell nice but it must have required some fairly detailed research to find out.

On a similar note, my girlfriend gave me a James Bond monopoly set a couple of Christmases ago after I casually mentioned that I had seen one years ago and had been keeping an eye out for one ever since. She got serious brownie points for actually being able to find one (they are fairly rare) and even more for remembering one throwaway sentence in a conversation on one of our early dates.

She also got me a coffee maker with a timer which hit the spot perfectly. As a hopeless caffeine addict and coffee lover, it's not a good idea to get too close to me in the morning before I've had a hit. This is brilliant, set it up the night before, set the timer for 10 minutes before your alarm then wake up the next morning to the smell of freshly brewed coffee with the only effort being stumbling into the kitchen and pouring it into a (James Bond - yeah of course I replaced the broken one) mug! It's doubly good if you remember and set it up before you go on a big night out so the coffee is ready and waiting for you the morning after... who says aromatherapy is rubbish?!

Slightly left-field was an electric razor. I look ridiculous with any form of facial hair so being clean shaven is a necessity. Wet shaving, though it yields fantastic results, is at best fiddly and at worst dangerous if done in a hurry, the electric takes the faff out on a daily basis again making mornings a bit less of a pain.

There are many others which I have loved but this at least gives an idea of appreciable things.

Now to berry my head in the sand and try to ignore the selection boxes in the supermarket.

JR

Skyfall, an actual review...

Right, after my gushing post the other night here is a more sensible review. I stand by my gushing but let me go into a bit more detail as to why.

Firstly, there's the casting. All the actors are absolutely wonderful (sorry for sounding like a luvvie but it's true). Daniel Craig is spectacular as Bond; his portrayal really does ooze the "back to Flemming" approach he talked about. It's difficult to put into words but without doubt he nailed it with just the right combination of physicality, self-loathing and humour which makes up the character. The only trouble is the poor man seems to have developed an allergy to shirts: at any rate he took them off at every possible opportunity!

Dame Judi Dench was absolutely mesmerising as M. Unlike most of the previous films, her character was integral to the plot (and there was a plot this time thank god). She and Craig sparked off each other wonderfully creating a kind of chemistry which has never been present between M and Bond in the films before (it has been alluded to in the books with M asking Bond to complete a number of assignments that are not strictly official). She was also a vehicle for a detail which I rather liked and I hope was intentional. Without going into detail, the plot explores the an increasingly bureaucratic parliamentary management on MI6 who see the way things are done now as outmoded and useless. The message is largely, beware change for the sake of change and ignore the old ways at your peril. So that's the general idea backed up (I think) by M covering herself in a travelling rug on the journey up to Scotland. No big deal in itself but the tartan of the travelling rug was that of the Black Watch, a Scottish army regiment which was dismantled in a round of government "streamlining"(/cuts) despite it's history and it's proven record of efficiency and effectiveness. Maybe I'm over-thinking things but, to me, it was one of a number of real-world events explored in a fair bit of detail showing the franchise is not all about mindless escapism.

The villain, played by Javier Bardem, was superb. A portrait of unhinged evil. Unusually his motive wasn't world domination but in some ways that made him even better.

"New Q" also deserves a mention. I was dubious if anybody could fill the lab-coat of the late Desmond Llewelyn. John Cleese, much as I like the rest of his work, did nothing to dispel this. Ben Wishaw doesn't do so either but he certainly stands along-side. Previous gadgets issued by Q branch were name-checked (the exploding pen being one, the signature recognition PPK being two for the price of one) and new ones added but never in direct competition. In a way, it's a good example of the mood of the film in general; it acknowledges the past associated with the Bond films while taking ownership of the present and moving it forward. A risky strategy but one that was spot on here.

Before I look at other aspects of the film I can't progress without mentioning the undisputed star of the show. A silver Aston Martin DB5 registration BMT 216 A. When it appeared on screen, a cheer when up from the audience and quite right too. And it wasn't just there as window dressing. It featured heavily in the plot towards the end. Yes, we know that in real life there is as much chance of a spy driving an Aston Martin as there is of me winning Miss World but what's Bond without the suspension of disbelief and a good dollop of fantasy.

Since I have mentioned a brand already, now seems like a good time to mention product placement. Bond has always had a history with product placement. In the books Flemming mentioned items as a reference to luxury and only got rewarded afterwards. In the early films as well, certain things were used because they were commonly accepted as the best but the brands were still name checked. Latterly, as advertising kicked off, brands paid more and more to have their products featured in the films. All of this lead to a huge hubbub late last year when it was announced Heineken were going to contribute to the funding of the film. There was outcry about the idea of Bond drinking beer (despite the fact that he does so frequently in the books and films thus far) and worry that the label was going to take over the film. In the event, yes beers were drunk but they were never ostentatiously consumed and always in situations where the consumption was appropriate. This was the same of all the other brands featured (and who had undoubtedly paid to have done so) as I was in no doubt would be the case given both producers have been involved in the franchise for most of their lives. They know it's not going to be a one hit wonder and therefore have to keep an eye on the future and ensure Bond isn't just one long advert. The one exception to this, disapointingly in my view, was the watches. Everyone knows Omega has been linked to Bond since 1996 and everyone knows Bond wears high-end wristwear. The watch was going to become famous and feature heavily in the film however I thought, at times, it was a bit "in your face", almost as if the watch was wearing Daniel Craig rather than the other way round. It wasn't quite worn on top of the shirt cuff but at times it wasn't far off. I thought that was a bit of a shame really since Omega have established a link with the franchise that is up there with the most secure.

One final thing I will comment on before I bring this ramble to a close was the return of humour. The last couple of Bonds have been rather lacking in this department (probably as a response to the increasingly cartoonish nature of the Brosnan years). In Skyfall it is back and not before time too. Rather than go down the one-liner route, it usually takes the form of pithy verbal interaction between the characters. It stops short of all-out banter but at the same time is sharp and witty. There are some points which are laugh-out-loud funny but at no point do you get the feeling that the actors are playing for laughs. Like I say, spot on!

There are one or two other features of the film I can't discuss because it would give away some fairly major plot twists and i don't want to spoil it for anyone who has yet to go and see it. Suffice to say, Skyfall is set to become one of the all-time great Bonds. May there be many more like it.

Go and see it if you have not already done so. I can't urge you strongly enough.

JR

Skyfall at Last

So that was it. The culmination of three years of waiting. I have finally seen Skyfall. My mind is still reeling. I will write a fuller post on it when I've had time to absorb and process what I've seen (and maybe see it again) but in short, it is truly wonderful; easily the best Bond in the last 20 years. It could even be on a par with Goldfinger in my estimations. Potentially it could be regarded as genre-defining although only time will tell on that one.

I'm not going to discuss any of the details at the moment so I don't spoil it for those anticipating seeing it in the near future but let me say, go and see it as soon as possible. It delivers everything one would expect of a Bond film and so, so, so much more.

Earlier I described it as the Bond equivalent of eating at a Heston Blumenthal restaurant (where Goldfinger is more akin to eating at Gordon Ramsay). In short, Goldfinger is classic in it's style but at the absolute pinnacle with it. Skyfall is easily recognisable as a Bond film (as Heston's creations are recognisable as food) however the presentation and delivery on both counts is mind-blowing and takes you to places you didn't think possible.

I know I'm gushing like a schoolgirl here but I make no apologies for it. This is truly a masterpiece of the franchise combining innovation (not a concept I'm usually a fan of as you will know from previous posts) with lots of references to the past; some subtle, others more tongue in cheek. Not only that but there are references to events in the real world of intelligence (although I can't go into them without revealing a major plot twist). It's definitely one for the diehards like myself but still accessible to the uninitiated (as confirmed by the Missus - although I'm gradually filling the gaps in her education to date). Sir Roger Moore described Skyfall as one of the best Bond films ever when I saw him on Tuesday. I took this description with a large pinch of salt thinking there was an element of hyperbole in his claim. I retract those thoughts unreservedly.

There are many bits of trivia and observations I will note down in a few days time (once I can safely make observations without spoiling the surprises for too many people) but for now let me leave you with a fact and an observation.

The observation is that the best Bond girls all seem to be French for some reason. Carole Bouquet, Eva Green and the most recent offering (who's name escapes me) along with several others have all been French. My theory is - if you will forgive the generalisation - that this is because no other girls on the planet can smoulder like French girls. There are many that are equally as pretty if not more so but they lack the same sensual, sultry qualities. Whatever the reason this trend is carried on in Skyfall.

The trivia (which I love) is that the stunt driver for the film is Ben Collins. Some say he was unfairly dismissed by the BBC for writing about himself and that he has an unhealthy fetish for the colour white. What we know is that he was the Stig (the anonymous racing driver on Top Gear for anyone who has been living under a rock). This adds another twist of slightly chauvinistic Britishness to the mix. The choice of Collins for the stunt driver is made better still by the fact that he did serve with the SAS for a while adding another connection to the shadow world of our intelligence services and special forcer.

Go see it. See it at the earliest possible opportunity.

JR