Workspeak

Workspeak is a new word I've coined to describe the lexicon of an Office. As you've probably guessed, I have a new job. However, unlike any job I've had in the past, this one is in a properly corporate environment. Attached to this come certain benefits; decent personnel management, well maintained building and adequate parking. Also attached to this is a completely new vocabulary and one that is entirely like any I've encountered before. In homage to Orwell, I have called it workspeak; defined as words that bear little if any relation to their dictionary definition.

Avid readers of my blog might think this observation a bit rich. After all I did train as a lawyer; infamous for their Latin epithets. But that's the point. Latin is a recognised language and while using it in conversation may be a little anachronistic it is still a valid use of the language (and rather charming if you ask me). Before Law I studied medicine for a while; again an environment known for it's inner language. However again most of the words are rooted in either Latin or Greek. The same can be said of yet another subject I studied, Biology.

Where workspeak differs is that it takes words commonly recognised in the English language and distorts them beyond all normal recognition. Allow me to give you some examples:

"Solutions". When I was a scientist, a solution was something dissolved in something else. Therefore something could be described as, "a solution" or "in solution". Simple. In the wider world a solution can also be a procedure used to obtain a successful outcome to a problem. Now let's move to workspeak. Solutions are oft talked about and little defined. The term seems to be an aggrandised way of describing services on offer.

"Going forward". Not strictly a word but they are inevitably used together. Under normal circumstances one would take it to mean a description of motion. Not so in workspeak. Here it is used as a suffix to any form of sentence that involves some form of plan as in, "We will do X, Y and Z followed by A going forward." Eh? What exactly does that mean? What exactly is wrong with making definite statements. Unless I'm very much mistaken, time travel isn't yet possible so why do these statements need to be qualified by a statement intimating which way time travels.

Finally "action". In workspeak the word "action" is a verb. "Can you please action... ?" Again, what the hell is this supposed to mean? Is the English language really so limited that we are unable to describe our requests without spurious rubbish?

I am surrounded by similar corruptions of the English language on a daily basis. Sometimes it is genuinely difficult to decipher what is being said couched as it is in workspeak. Other times it is simply a challenge not to start laughing at how utterly ridiculous people sound. I have tried speaking plainly. It does work but speaking one's mind does make one sound rather confrontational. You want something? Apparently asking for it is a bit blunt (despite the fact that everyone is there to work and it's generally a bit of a team effort). Instead the request has to be dressed up in pointless jargon ensuring it doesn't sound like a request. Why? What exactly is the point?

To stay sane I use a few techniques. First is "bullshit bingo". I got the idea from the programme, "Sirens". One draws up a list of pointless non-words and ticks them off as they occur in conversation. Getting a full house doesn't get any prizes but there's a sense of satisfaction, not to mention amusement. As well as this I satirise mercilessly. Every time I participate in communication with my colleagues I heap in as much workspeak as physically possible. I action my workspeak vocabulary to achieve communication solutions, going forward... as it were!

JR