Advice offered ranges from discouraging people from talking to people in Rangers or Celtic strips to encouraging them to try whisky and irn bru (though hopefully not together) via warnings about square sausage, calling natives English and referring to kilts as skirts. It also has information about the etiquette of round buying and no doubt helpful tips on understanding the dialect.
If I were of a more Guardian disposition, I would no-doubt be outraged at the casual racism of this book and it's slavish adherence to national stereotypes. As it happens I think it's rather good. Yes we Scots have a reputation for being hard-drinking, thuggish chauvinists and this is not entirely unjust. However, there is more to our character than that. We are also usually charming, hospitable, witty and extremely keen to show off what our country has to offer.
In keeping with the last sentiment, I am going to append some of my own advice to supplement the guide. Follow at your peril!
The football strip advice seems a little alarmist but equally, rangers fans will not be in a good mood at the moment so probably best to give them a wide berth. Sadly, football is still used as a pretext for division and aggression by some so giving fans (especially groups) a wide berth is probably no bad idea.
Do try whisky. Do try lots. Don't try too much... The hangovers the next morning are unforgiving! The best idea would be to find a whisky pub with knowledgeable staff who are prepared to talk you through each individual whisky and what to expect of it. If you have the time and the ability, go on a distillery tour and try it at source. Don't listen to those that harrumph that you shouldn't put anything in your whisky. That's how they like it; it might not be how you do. I would say that ice generally dulls the flavour where water usually enhances it. Also, be wary of adding other flavours/textures. Bluntly, if you're going to put coke in it, go for a cheap blend not a malt. It will taste the same and you will save a fortune. Mixing fine malts is like making buck's fizz with vintage champagne. On the subject of alcohol, give our local ale a try too. You will struggle to find better.
There is nowhere better to enjoy either beverages than the local pub. If you're in a city, make an effort to go off the beaten track. You will be guaranteed a friendlier and warmer reception and are likely to emerge a few hours later with a host of new friends. Don't take the mandatory grumpy old bugger seriously. There's one in every pub and they're harmless enough. They can usually be found either behind the bar, hunched up at the bar or in the corner. If you go to some of the remote areas, the local really is the centre of the community. I know several settlements that have a pub but no church. Go in for a drink but be aware that you are going in to an area that most people treat as an extension of their home.
Now to food. Do try square sausage. Especially the morning after you ignore my advice about not over-doing the whisky. It's delicious. Also try haggis. Don't be put off by what's in it (and if you don't know, don't ask). Like many things, the outcome is greater than the sum of the parts. If you're into food then there is a growing restaurant scene which showcases our excellent local produce; well worth a try. If not, try and find a pub that does home cooking. Be prepared for big portions! Finally, do give deep-fried mars bars a try. They do exist. You won't finish it but what the hell, it's fun!
Do venture out of Edinburgh and Glasgow. The train services all over the country and are reasonably priced. It's a good way to expand what you see. The highlands have to be seen to be believed. Warm clothes and waterproofs are the order of the day but that doesn't detract from the beauty. On that note, don't complain about the weather. You must have seen where you were going on the map and realised that it was fairly far north. Don't expect it to become a tropical paradise just for you. Get over it and get a jumper, everyone else has.
I will reiterate a point from the book; don't call kilts skirts. It's not funny, it's rude and ignorant. Believe me, you're not the first person to make the joke and it got old slightly before the big bang. Equally, don't stick your hand (or anything else) up our kilts to find out if we're true Scotsmen... Unless you're pretty and prepared for us to return the favour. In which case; my place is just round the corner ;-) That said, we appreciate it does have a certain novelty value (one of the reasons why we wear it) so if you play your cards right, you might snare us for a photo.
Equally don't call us English. We might all be citizens of the UK but that doesn't homogenise us. Again, it's not funny it's just rude.
Try not to look like a tourist. Taking photos of everything your eye sees makes you look like a knob and will mean you block up the streets. It will also limit the amount you actually see. Similarly, standing in the middle of the pavement looking perplexidly at a map will not win you many friends. Essentially, be aware that there are people living wherever you are and they probably have things to do. It will also mark you out as a target for pickpockets and muggers. There aren't many but they do exist.
Finally, enjoy yourself. You're visiting an incredible country with a lot to offer. Hopefully you will have such a good time that you never want to leave.
JR
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